July 2018

I’ve written scores of entries in my “Widow’s Blog.” They are all written as I walk, or weed, clean the house, or shower. They never make it to the screen or paper, but they are written nonetheless, and have helped me through these last 9 months. The dogs and I just crossed off yet another “first without him,” walking the Cook’s trail here at camp. The trail is nothing spectacular - it’s a simple walk in the woods with which we start our day. And yet it has been a place where I have done tremendous thinking. A place to walk away heartache, worry, to process emotions, and to make plans and dreams. Surprisingly, I made this ‘first’ trek without tears, having shed copious tears yesterday, in shared grief for a dear family that has suffered unspeakable loss in the past month. I’m reminded once again, that everything can always be worse. That there is still so much good. That my friends and family, neighbors and co-workers, continue to take such good care of me, and my children and dogs.
The day dawned today, as beautiful as it did 9 months ago. We are ok. We will be ok. I am grateful for the beauty of the day, for the love of friends and family, and for the life I shared with Kev. I want to say that all is well with my soul, but I am still in repair. Perhaps my soul is just tired and in need of some peace. I am in the right place for that. As close as I can be to heaven.